When Noah met Carrie
by carby101
Summary: Carby, Carbies, Vegas, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. what more could you want? No wait, don't answer that....its a fic by Kess *and* Carrie isn't it. Um, tada.


**Authors' note(in t'plural. Hee!) : **Well this is a joint 'un from the warped minds of Kess and Carrie. Before you read we'd just like to mention that this is a HUMOUR fic, so don't be offended by anything. Also...for this to work, Tracy, Owen, Billy etc. don't exist (basically Noah and Maura aren't married) Enjoy, and review – or we'll track you down and kill you. And we're not kidding about that. 'Tis basically about when Carrie met Noah. (and…ff.net people….it IS ER related…….Maura and Noah are in ER ::nods: )

**Disclaimer: **After many long talks with our psychiatrist we have managed to accept that we *don't* own Maura or Noah, but Carrie owns Charlie from Busted - she has him tied up in her bedroom. No - not really. We own nothing. 

N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Apart from Elvis Minister guy and bartender....we claim them Hands off now.

**Spoilers:** Well, seeing as we're ::cough:: spoilerfree, and unless we missed something doing...research....there ain't no spoilers in this one, dearies.

Husky voice man: Previously on 'our twisted minds'….

Charlie (from Busted): Please! Carrie! Don't leave me! I *love* you!

Carrie: I never loved you, I can't keep using you like that.....I'm sorry.....actually.....I'm not sorry at all. (Charlie starts to cry….bwahaha) Aw Simpson, don't cry, you were *good*.

(Carrie turns around and walks away, but when she gets to the door, she pauses for a minute, and reconsiders. She turns and walks back to him, and leans in real close to him, like she's gonna kiss him.)

Carrie: It must really suck to be you right now.

(She turns around and leaves for the final time, unbeknownst to Charlie, she takes the money with her)

***

(Carrie is outside Kess' house…..she's throwing stones at Kess' bedroom window and after a while of getting very irritated, Carrie picks up a rock, throws it at the window. The rock goes through the window and hits Kess on the head. Kess comes to the…slightly broken….window, rubbing her head, wearing pajamas with bunnies on, and opens it.)

Carrie: (shouting) We're going to Vegas baby! 

(Kess gets dressed and runs down with her bags to outside the house where Carrie is.)

Kess: Umm….Carrie? Why've you got Charlie from Busted hanging onto your trouser leg?

Carrie: He doesn't deal with rejection well… (they both look down at Charlie…)

Charlie: (Gasping breathlessly, yet soothingly to himself) I asked her to marry me in a casino...but she said no...

(They begin to laugh as the credits roll. The theme music – Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, plays, as we see various people flying in old cars, as their name is shown on the screen. Carrie in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Kess in Drum, and Noah in a James Bond car, with Maura as a Bond Girl, riding on the bonnet but keeps slipping as we're flying. All the other ER cast members are squished into an old jeep.)

***

(Kess and Carrie are sitting on the plane. Suddenly Kess squeals)

Kess: Oh my god. Don't turn around okay, but you'll never guess who's sitting right behind us.

Carrie: What? Who? (she turns)

NoahCarter to MauraAbby: That girl is staring at us

Carrie: (looks repeatedly between Kess and Mo 'n' No....and back again....then says in a loud whisper to Kess) Oh my goooood! Its carby!

(Kess and Carrie stare at each other for a long time....Carrie sees the stewardess come around with drinks and reaches into her bag....Kess 'accidentally' drops an 'aspirin' into NoahCarter and MauraAbby's drinks... 10 minutes later MauraAbby and NoahCarter are convinced that they *are* their onscreen characters and run off to the plane toilets together.The entire plane hears mysterious noises coming from the toilets...)

(The plane lands and inside the toilets MauraAbby and NoahCarter are in a very 'compromising' position)

MauraAbby: We've gotta get off

NoahCarter: Mhmmmmm

MauraAbby: Carter....

NoahCarter: (his eyes snap open wide as he jerks back into consciousness) What?

MauraAbby: We've landed.

NoahCarter: Oh . (He pouts in that adorable way)

MauraAbby: Oh don't look at me like that...(rolls eyes)

NoahCarter: Did y'know that at school I used to be called The No-man?

MauraAbby: Yeah, in playschool maybe.

(Cut to later in the casino. Kess and Carrie are gambling the night away)

Kess: Carrie, where's all this money coming from?

Carrie: I like to call it.....the Simpson Trust Fund

Kess: Aha...

Carrie: Yeah, it's surprising how much money being in a moderately successful manufactured piece of garbage can get you. Not that I like them. At *all*. Well maybe a little. Maybe a lot. I mean...they got some good songs up their sleeve....pass the Champers Kess.

Kess: I smell forgiveness....

Carrie: I smell nice cologne too now you mention it, wonder where *that's* coming from

(we see Maura making eyes and licking her lips seductively over Kess and Carrie's shoulders)

Carrie: Oh my god! Maura is so totally flirting with you.

(Kess mumbles something incoherent while Noah looks heartbroken at MauraAbby)

Carrie: Now, I can see Noah looking right at me. So if you don't mind....I'm gonna go get me a man.

(Carrie walks on over to Noah and begins to 'talk' to him, while we see Maura looking slightly jealous before she resumes seducing Kess)

Maura: So....who's that friend of yours over there?

Kess: (she wipes a bit of drool from her lip) err....Carrie?

Maura: Yeah, so ummm....she's talking to Noah! Isn't that great? Great.. Great great great great great.

Kess: and Noah's talking to her....they make a *great* couple, doncha think?

Maura: Well I guess worthless scummy dogs attract

Kess: yeah....hey, I thought you were in the toilets with him earlier?

Maura: He needed my help...

Kess: well, if he really needed you...(she winks and nudges Maura)

Maura: He did...you know guys, they can chat to little *whores* (she glances at Carrie) but they just can't do zippers up without help...

Kess: oh...right....so....(she leans in).... .I have a pop tart, you have an oven, so let's get together.

(Maura stares for a minute, then says...)

Maura: Oh, I'm sorry....I don't.....I mean....I've got....I mean....I have to think about....um....(she watches Kess' smile die)well....why don't we ask Noah and your friend there if they wanna leave this dump and go to a bar or someplace? There's only so much of casinos I can stand in one night

Kess: Ohh....ok then...

(Maura grabs Kess by the arm and leads her over to where Noah and Carrie are standing...'Chatting''. Noah stands up straight and smoothes his hair)

Maura: er...Karen and I are going to a bar...you wanna come with?

Noah: Yes! I mean...yeah, sure...but only if, err...Catherine wants to

Carrie: it's *Carrie*

Kess: (whispers) Maura...honey...its *Kess*

(Mo 'n' No blush madly)

Maura: right...that's...that's what I said...ok, so anybody wanna go anywhere specific?

Carrie: Well I don't know about *you*...but I want to go somewhere that serves champagne....(she leans in close to Noah) I *only* drink champagne.

Noah: err....yeah, me too....we have a lot in common!

(Maura glares at Carrie)

Maura: Well *I* don't mind what I drink, I'm not fussy (she glares s'more)

Kess: o.........k.....shall we go then?

(Maura links her arm with Kess' - Noah sees and does the same to Carrie. They all get in a taxi cab, the driver of which, after being told by Carrie to 'go to somewhere *special* me and m'man' takes them to his all time favourite bar....'Drink-a-saurus' and they all get out the cab and walk through the doors looking slightly wary)

Bartender: (washing out glass [have you even noticed that the first time we see a bartender, he's always cleaning out a glass?]) What'll it be, folks?

(the Bartender gives them a look, as if to say 'on your head be it', and produces a dusty bottle of champers from under the bar)

Noah: Thank you.

(they sit down at a table and Noah pours Carrie's glass, trying to smile at her adoringly while looking out of the corner of his eye at Maura's reaction - she's doing the same to Kess, only she's got her hand on her leg)

Bartender: That'll be a hundred and fifty bucks young man!

(Noah snaps out of his reverie)

Noah: WHAT?!

Bartender: You expect to get decent champers for anything *less* than that sir?

Carrie: (she spits out her champagne)Decent? 

Noah: (mumbles something soothingly to Carrie, her face lights up) Put it on my tab...

(Maura's eye twitches)

Maura: What did you say to her?

(Noah smiles happily)

Bartender: Sir..your tab...its full....

Noah: already?

Carrie: Don't worry.....I'll deal with this..... (she pulls a thick wad of cash out her pocket)

(Noah's eyes bulge, as do the bartender's)

Kess: the Simpson Trust Fund?

(Carrie nods)

Bartender: Hey there little lady, I'm a single man...and I'm looking

Carrie: oh, no....I'm spoken for...(she looks at Noah expectantly)

Bartender: (to Noah) You're one lucky young man....(he beckons Noah towards him and whispers...) she's *loaded*.

Noah: uh...yeah...she has rich parents...right, uh, Carla?

Carrie: Something like that....and its *Carrie*

Noah: oh right, Carrie, of course.. (Maura giggles)

Bartender: erm....though isn't this lovely lady a little better suited to you, sir? (the bartender points at Maura)

Maura: (She sighs) You watch ER...right?

Bartender: erm....sometimes...why?

Maura: People just assume that because our characters are 'together' in the show....that we'd be suited perfectly to each other. God, I'm so sick of this! You pathetic little man, you probably go on a message board and talk about us and stuff....

Bartender: oh...well, I'll be going now, then...

Carrie: I think you scared him.

Maura: (muttering) *you're* the scary one.

(Carrie glares)

Carrie: So..um...Noah darling.....isn't this an absolute *gem* of a place? I mean, the champagne...its....well....I've never had anything like it before! (she sips at the champagne, and resists the urge to spew)

Noah: oh yes...darling...by the way, may i say how truly beautiful you're looking tonight?

(Maura gives Carrie a death look)

Carrie: You can and you have. (she smiles dreamily at *noah*.)

Maura: This place seems familiar, doesn't it Noah?

Noah: It *does*?

Maura: Yeah, I'm sure we went a place *just* like this when we shot that scene in the new season where Abby goes to a scummy old bar and ends up screwing the ancient bartender. (Noah raises his eyebrows, and Kess looks hurt when Maura beckons the bartender over) Excuse me, this champagne is....awful. Do you have any *real* drinks?

Bartender: why...yes...how about a Sacrificial Virgin?

Maura: Go on then, hit me. (The bartender raises his hand jokingly before seeing the rest of the table shake their heads at him silently, and he reconsiders)

Kess: (dreamily) I just *love* that shirt you're wearing Maura....

Maura: really? oh, you're too kind....and...those jeans....just...divine...where did you get them? (Noah scowls)

Kess: Oh they're....nothing really....just something the Simpson trust fund paid for....

Maura: oh really....well....money isn't everything, isn't that right, Noah?

Noah: (Thinks, then says slowly)... You're right Maura it's not *everything* (Maura's glare softens and she begins to smile) But it sure is a hell of a lot. (he smiles sweetly at Carrie, quickly throwing a smirk at Maura)

Maura: well personally I prefer people who haven't had much in their lives...easier to please...

Maura: have you had much in your life, honey?

Kess: well, yeah, seeing as- oh, *no*, no...I hardly have *anything*.

(Carrie throws a dirty look at Maura....then reaches out for Maura's Sacrificial Virgin and takes a sip, Maura stares at her.)

Carrie: Oh how *weak*. I like my alcohol strong....(she glances at Noah)...like my men...(Maura stifles a giggles. Carrie looks down to see that in the process of stealing Maura's drink, her purse has fallen onto the floor) Oh! Oh no, my purse has fallen onto the floor!

Noah: Oh let me get that for you, (he reaches down to get it, as Carrie beams, but he hits his head on the table when he sits back up.) 

Carrie: Awww, oh poor Noahy-poos....let me kiss it better... (Carrie kisses and strokes his head. Maura practically throws Kess' purse onto the floor)

Maura: oh, I'm sorry, *honey*, let me get that for you...

(As she leans over to get the purse.....Noah can't help but look at her ::cough:: chest....and when Carrie sees this she smacks him on the head)

Noah: ow!

(Maura smirks happily while handing Kess her purse very slowly, stroking her fingers, Kess drools slightly)

Noah: So…um….Kess? What do you *do*?

Kess: huh? me? I'm a professional procrastinator….and beta.

Noah: (smiles politely) Oh that's *lovely*.....so what *is* a beta?

Kess: well....people write stories...and I....make them....beta. see?

Maura: Stories about what honey?

Kess: erm....people....

Maura: Honey, it's *me*....you can tell *me* anything

Kess: well....it's these two people...that a guy I know made up.

Carrie: (playing the let's-humiliate-Kess game) Oh elaborate hon, I'm always so *interested* in what you do

Kess: (glaring at Carrie) well...I'm sure Noah and Maura don't want to hear about it.

Noah: No....go on... (Kess turns all of 7 shades of red)

Kess: (she clears her throat) ok....these stories are mostly love stories...some are quite...graphic...and....it's just basically these two people and their life.

Carrie: Oh, I bet they have wonderful names like.....Mary and Alfred....

Carrie: (to Noah) I'm *always* right

Maura: so who actually writes these stories, Kess?

 (Kess smiles evilly at Carrie) 

Kess: oh, a couple of people....Kay, Cat......Carrie... (Carrie kicks Kess under the table, Kess thinks its Maura and grins madly at her)

Noah:  (looks at Carrie) Is this true Cat?

Carrie: *Carrie*! and....er...no, of course not!

Maura: (Strokes Kess' arms, whilst sneaking a glance at Noah) Oh...Kay...you're so *talented*...you write them *and* beta them

Kess: (Kess is about to correct Maura, but reconsiders) er....yeah...thanks...

Noah: so...Mary and Albert....do they always live in the same place?

Kess: yes.

Carrie: no. (at the same time as Kess)

(Maura and Noah glance at each other)

Noah: (tearing his gaze away) So um..........Carys.....I...well you look gorgeous tonight....

Maura: (not to be outdone) Kelly, I've been looking for someone like you all my life. …..Katie, Will you....

Noah: (pre-empts the question) Callie, will you marry me?

Maura: (at the same time)….get me another drink?

(Maura nearly falls off her chair, Carrie *does* fall off her chair, and Noah looks as though he's just killed a small kitten)

Carrie: Oh my god. Kess? Did you hear that? (Kess looks crushed)

Kess: I...yeah....

Maura: Oh god Kess, you're so *sweet*

Kess: really? thanks!

(Carrie sees Noah as he's trying to sneak off unnoticed)

Carrie: Oi! Honey! Where are you going?

Noah: To the...uhh...bathroom.

Carrie: oh....want some company? (she beams)

Noah: No...I....umm...

Maura: He's being a big *girl* and trying to run away from commitment

Carrie: (sighing dreamily) no...he just wants our first time to be *special*.

Maura: err...(she sees Kess looking hopefully) Kerry, will you marry me?

Maura: never call me Maureen.

Bartender: Um, can I ask a question? Is anyone gonna marry the rich girl....or can I have her?

(There is a thoughtful silence, then…)

Carrie: Ewww...no...Noah...tell him!

Noah: (monotonously) no, I'm marrying her. (Carrie nods, satisfied)

Bartender: I'm about to close up for the night, I can run you by a chapel, I can even take you to the one where I married my wife, Ethel

Carrie: sounds great! let's go! 

(Kess and Carrie bound ahead, Mo 'n' No trail behind. Kess and Carrie chatter excitedly about their upcoming nuptials, while No 'n' Mo sit in complete silence, glancing at each other frequently. When they get to the chapel, Bartender drops them off and they walk inside)

Kess: (staring at the various pictures of drunken people getting married) ohh...it's so pretty....

Carrie: (Looking at a jukebox-like contraption...) Oooh! We can choose what music we want to get married to! Ooooh!

Kess: I know what I want! Hanging By a Moment! 

Maura and Noah: Oh GOD no

Carrie: that's what *I* was going to say!

Maura: Kaycee darling...I love you and all....but....after sitting in a car for ages with *this* (she glares at Noah) doofus, the songs brings back nothing but bad memories

Noah: (peers at jukebox) Who are this...'Busted' band...?

Carrie: Honey, you don't want to know.....bad memories, *Really* bad memories

Maura: Look! I'll choose! (she looks and chooses)

Kess: what are you choosing, Maura, honey?

Noah: (he leans over to see) Stop living the lie?

Carrie: how fitting... (Kess glares at Carrie)

(Everyone is silent and thoughtful for a moment, until Elvis Minister Guy walks in. Oh yes people, this is a Rock 'n' Roll Chapel)

Elvis Minister Guy: ok, you kids here for a wedding?

Noah: Yeah....I'm marrying....

Carrie: *Carrie*...

Noah: Here..

Maura: and I'm marrying this *beautiful* little thing here...

Kess: *Kess*

Maura: Kess.

Elvis Minister Guy: Really? Because y'know, I would've thought.....

Maura: (overreacting) WHAT?! No! you think I'd marry *him*? Puh-Lease!

Carrie: Yeah Mr Minister, I'm *much* better for him

Maura: Hey, watch it you little....

Kess: shall we get one with it, then?

(Stop living the lie plays in the background, Carrie sniggers.)

Elvis Minister Guy: Do you Carter...

Noah: Noah!

Elvis Minister Guy: Right, sorry. Do you Noah take Carrie to be Rockin' and Rollin' wife....till your rock 'n' roll blue suede shoes turn to dust, or until you sober up?

Noah: uh....(Carrie nudges him) yeah, yeah, of course.

(The doors fly open and Sherry runs in.....she hasn't been drugged, yet she *really* seems to think that she *is* Susan. The 'studio audience' who have magically appeared scream wildly like they do when someone really famous guest stars)

SherrySusan: I OBJECT!

Elvis Minister Guy: Susan! Oh my god! Its Susan! (he coughs) I mean......Ms Stringfield, why do you object?

SherrySusan: (she hands him lots of pieces of paper) there are 599 reasons there. I think you'll find they're legally relevant.

Elvis Minister Guy:  (he looks over the pieces of paper)Well, they're good enough reasons for me! John Carter-

Noah: *Noah!!!*

Minister: Abby Lockhart-

Maura: *Maura!!*

Minister: I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Maura and Noah: WHAT?!?

Minister: You may now kiss the bride.

(Carrie grabs Noah's head and Kess grabs Maura's, for the love of *Carby* they bash their heads together, causing much closeness. Noah grabs Maura to keep her from falling backwards and holds her in his strong...manly.....arms. She leans in closer to him and kisses him)

(Kess, Carrie, Minister Guy and SherrySusan all sigh happily)

Minister Guy: ( to Kess and Carrie) incidentally, you guys are married now.

Carrie: WHAT!?!?

Kess: WHAT?!?!

Carrie: Okay Mr. Minister guy, listen up. We've managed to get *three* cast members of ER to grace your chapel with their presence, so unmarry us *now*!(She stomps her foot)

Elvis Minister Guy: I'm afraid you'll need 'The Little Divorce Chapel on the Prairie' for that, we work in close contact with them, I can give you their number...

Kess: (sighing) is there ANY other way??

Minister Guy: well....if somebody else wants to marry either of you... (Kess and Carrie glance at Sherry)

Sherry: oh no, I've done this once already.

Kess: Yeah, but you were *acting*

Sherry: was I, Kess? was I?

Kess: yes.

Sherry: oh. right. err....hey, who's that? (she points at a young breathless boy coming in through the doors)

Kess: Oh my god! It's Simpson!

Sherry: Mmmm....

Carrie: Hey, hands off crazy woman, he's *mine*

Simpson: I....object....(he faints)

 (Carrie, runs to him and kneels down by him and starts slapping his face)

Carrie: Hey (slap)  Simpson (slap)  Wake (slap) Up (slap) Now( slap) (He remains unconscious)

Minister Guy: uh....people don't have to be conscious for you to marry them.

SherrySusan: Are you sure? Because...y'know...I *am* a doctor

Kess: now who's acting? (Sherry starts to say something, but stops)

So....if he married her....who will I have?

Minister Guy: Well...if it helps....I'm single...

Kess: (ignoring him) anyone? Ok...I'll just be going then...

Noah: wait! if you want....seeing as Maura and me are married now....we could adopt you....

Kess: Daddy?

Noah: (to Minister Guy) Will that solve anything?

Minister Guy: err....(gets out 'So You've Decided To Become an Elvis Wedding Chapel Minister')....make sure they pay you....blah blah blah....oh yes, here we are!

Kess: (runs to Maura) Mommy?

Minister Guy: I pronounce you...uh... (looks in book) Parent and child. I guess we'd better get the other marriage over and done with...

(the song in the chapel changes to 'Let's get it ooooon' Noah looks suggestively at Maura)

Noah: (he takes her hand) hey, uh...Mr. Minister? do you know where the bathrooms are?

Minister Guy: (monotonously) Honeymoon suite to your left.

Noah: oh, uh...thanks...

(they run)

Minister Guy: ( to Carrie)so....uh...what's his name?

Carrie: Simpson....I mean....Charlie, Charlie Simpson

Minister Guy: right. so, do you, Charlie....er...does he take you as his wife?

Carrie: Why wouldn't he?

Minister Guy: right...and do you take him as your husband?

Carrie: Do I have a choice?

Minister Guy: no.

Minster Guy: unless Carter and Abby want to adopt you.

Maura and Noah: (from the honeymoon room) *NOAH* AND *MAURA*!

Carrie: I'll take him

Minister Guy: ok, I now pronounce you husband and wife. you may kiss the....groom.

(Carrie looks at unconscious-Simpson.....thinks better for a minute.....for a minute....then just pounces on him. He wakes up suddenly..)

Simpson: What the...

Carrie: Charlie-poos....I'm your wife now...

(he looks shocked, then faints again, Carrie hits him and he jumps back to attention)

(Noah and Maura reappear)

Noah: me and....Mrs. Wyle...(Maura giggles)...were talking in post-coital bliss, and we decided we'd like to rename you, Kess.

Kess: what are you going to rename me?!?

Noah and Maura: Doris.

(Kess starts to cry)

Maura: aww, don't cwy widdle poopsie....mummy's here...

Carrie: (sings to the tune of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang) Carby Love Gang, Carby Carby Love Gang

Kess: Carby Love Gang, Carby Carby Love Gang

All: We're the Carby Carby Love Gang, 

Carter and Abby we love you,

In the Carby Carby Love Gang Carter and Abby love us too,

High, Low, anywhere we go, on Carby Fuzz we depend,

Love Gang Carby Carby Love Gang, our backs, for fuzz, we'd bend.

Minister Guy: The Fuzz is adorable,

SherrySusan: The Angst is a-floorable,

Noah and Maura: The Lubies can deny their lives awaaay!

Kess: it's better than bread that's sliced,

Charlie: (speaking) Ohh…Christ…(he faints again)

Carrie and Kess: so joooin the Love Gang todaaaay!

All: Oh Carby, you carby, pretty carby love gang,

Carter and Abby we love you,

And carter, our carter, pretty carter-

Carrie: (whispering to a passerby who's looking bewildered as she points to Noah) That man!

All: …Carter and Abby love us too,

High carby, Low carby, anywhere we go, on Carby Fuzz we depend,

Love Gang Carby Carby Love Gang, our backs, for fuzz, we'd bend.

Love Gang carby carby love gang, our back for fuzz we'd beeeeeeeeeeend!


End file.
